Second Chances
The following is an excerpt from my reflections on a conversation I recorded while traveling through the US documenting the work and personal stories of wildlife biology technicians. It centers on the dramatic events which convinced Mark Steele, a former field tech, to return to a life as a seasonal technician after working for several years at a remarkably ordinary corporate job. The circumstances which resulted in Mark returning to fieldwork allowed him to appreciate the unusual but rewarding lifestyle more consciously and not to take it for granted. They also gave him a greater capacity to endure the hardships of the work after choosing to alter the course of his life in such a deliberate manner and the knowledge of what he was leaving behind so fresh in his mind. When we join the story, Mark is explaining to me what originally motivated him to settle down in Boulder, Colorado after his first stint as a wildlife biology technician. Rebirth Through Death “…I thought it would be interesting to try having friends and relationships. I had never done any of that as an adult, and I wanted to see what it was like. Being on the road and working field jobs for a couple months at a time made it easy to just avoid all of that. So I got a more serious job and before I knew it, I was living a totally different life. Nine to five, regular job. It all just kind of happened.” “So what made you get back into doing fieldwork?” “It turns out I wasn’t really ready for any of it. Jobs, relationships. I was so used to living one day at a time and not making any plans that I just lost sight of what I was doing. I thought I’d stay in Boulder for six months; it ended up being closer to six years.” “But here you are again. What made you decide to leave for good?” “I saw a man die,” he says evenly while lifting his gaze to meet mine. I can’t help but smiling despite his grave tone and what he’d just said. “I’m going to need a little more explanation on that,” I reply. He draws a deep breath. “Well it’s a pretty long story.” “That’s fine, I get paid by the word.” “Really?” “No.” He laughs. “But that’s what I’m here to learn about. I don’t care about the length as long as it’s interesting. I’ll edit out the boring parts if there are any. Or my editor will.” Branches and Snowflakes in the Window “Well I found it interesting, a pretty out of the ordinary kind of experience.” He pauses and I allow him some time to think about where to begin. “OK, well a bit of background first. I was working for a third-party logistics provider.” “Meaning what exactly?” “I basically arranged freight shipments. Told the carrier where to go and when to go there. Typical corporate job, corporate culture, corporate language. I got really obsessed with money which was totally not anything I’d ever cared about. You just get caught up in it, it’s insidious and you don’t realize it’s happening. I started off working as a cashier in a store, living with a bunch of roommates; you see the managers and then sometimes the big corporate guys come in and especially when you’re young, it’s hard to ignore the differences between them and you. They project this air of confidence and wealth, having made it and being totally comfortable while you’re just scraping by, having to agonize over every little thing you buy, can you afford it or not or what are you going to have to sacrifice to buy this thing. You feel like you need to have a bunch of money to make it and to have people like you. “Anyway, the thing about this job is that it was a regular desk job, but they had us working in a warehouse that they’d converted into office space. There’s no windows. No source of natural light at all, except there was this one little circular window at the top of the wall opposite me that was like twenty feet off the ground. It’s like the porthole in a ship. All I can see is one tree branch and some little branchlets. That’s it. When it’s windy I can see it bobbing up and down,” he lifts his arm up and down to demonstrate, “and if it’s snowing I can see the snow falling past the window.” “And you said you’d been living outside right before you moved there.” “That’s right, I had, but that just shows you how easy it is to get sucked into something.” In this way, the extreme adaptability required of field techs cuts both ways and allows people like Mark to get used to something that’s obviously unhealthy and not right for them. “You don’t know how you got there,” he continues. “Of course this job sucked and was stressful. It started off OK, but you know how it is, you’re the golden boy until you slip up once and then you’re on their bad side and you get treated like crap. Power trips, middle managers needing someone to squash. I felt knots in my stomach every day. On top of all that, the company served no useful function.” “You mean like benefiting society in some way?” “No, not even that. And it definitely wasn’t, but for some companies you could at least say it’s ‘helping to turn the wheels of commerce,’” he says this last part in an obviously ironic fashion, wide-eyed and breathy, spreading his hands with palms pointed up and facing forward, “or you know, contributing to the economy, something useful for someone. But it wasn’t anything like that. It was just a middleman in a sea of middlemen. Really we mostly just got in the way and added red tape. So it’s not like I could feel good about anything I